This weekend

This weekend was a huge one for me.  I have been on quite the journey the last few months and it has been difficult.  I have had feelings of hurt, depression, anger, fear just to name a few.  These feelings are not ones that I usually have in my life and I was not comfortable with them in my home because I know the source of them but I felt stuck.  Really stuck.  I felt inspired to read the book the Dance with Anger and I did.  I found it fascinating and recommend it to any one.  It made some really good points and brought up some great information and things for me to think about.  Yet, it made me think of myself and I easily climbed back up on my soap box.  Why is that so easy to do?  I then felt like a world away from Jarod and what he wanted.  If I was honest with myself I didn't want any sort of relationship with his parents and he did and I could not see without one of us compromising to find any middle ground. 
I really didn't know what to do.  I shared my feelings with my mom and reminded me if what happened a few weeks ago when my dad and Derek met with Jostes' with a mediator.  Jostes' didn't have a case and would have lost if it went to court but my dad and Derek decided to make them an offer for what they felt was fair.  Jostes' accepted and the law suit is over.  I will never forget that phone call and the relief I felt and how grateful I felt to my dad and brother for doing that for me.  I always knew my dad would do anything for me but this was huge.  My dad doesn't back down easily and the fact that he could swallow his pride and move forward touched me deeply. 
My mom told me that she had struggled with that because she felt like Mary had gotten her way but in the end it really what was best for them.  She had lots of other good advice but I kept thinking about my pride for the rest of the day. 
I was laying in bed that night and felt like I needed to get up and write a letter to the Jostes'.  In the book in order to move forward you are suppose to write a letter that is very clear and precise and share your own feelings.  Not placing blame any where just stating how you feel and why you feel that way.  It was extremely emotional and it was the first time that I got to the root of my anger and hurt.  I felt inspired writing it and my head was crystal clear for the first time in months.  I was finally able to wrap my head around every thing and in detail explain it and also state what I needed in the relationship in order to move on.  I had climbed back off my soap box, swallowed my pride and did what I needed to in order to move forward.
The next morning, Jarod read the letter and thought it was very good and commented that it was really clear and he knew exactly where my head was after reading the letter.  I told him I thought I would send it later that day.  Later that day, I read the letter again but still didn't feel ready to send it.  Then I remembered that the next day was fast Sunday.  I thought I would fast and then send it.
Early evening I was reading my scriptures.  I had been studying healing the last few days.  I came across a scripture that said if you want to be spiritually healed you just need to say the word.  So when I opened my fast I did ask that the letter would be received with an open heart but I also prayed that I would be healed.  I told my Heavenly Father I was turning this over to him and that I had faith that He could heal my broken heart. 
The next morning we went to church.  Sacrament meeting was extremely emotional for me.  Then on to primary, same thing.  After primary, I was standing in the hall talking with some of the people in my ward commenting on that we had 18 kids in primary that day.  Every one started going their own way and Bishop Sullivan asked me how I was.  He told me he didn't get the warm fuzzies from me so he would come and pull me out of relief society in a few.  I went to class and was once again extremely emotional.  He came and got me and we visited for a few minutes and then he told me that he was inspired to tell me to go home and read a conference talk called "balm of gilead".  He had no idea who gave it or what it was about just that he kept being told to tell me that. 
I got home and my plan was break my fast and send the letter but the Bishop told me to read this first, then read my letter again, and then break my fast.  I found the talk, there are two both given by Elder Boyd K Packer.  The first in 1977 and the second in 1987, seriously??  Ok, was a little taking back that the talk was given that long ago so obviously this is not one that my Bishop just heard recently and came up with it.  Not that I needed proof but some other people, namely my husband may have.  I started reading them and was hit with the power of the message.  Let it go, let it go.  I knew with everything that I am that I was not suppose to send that letter.  I also knew that if I would let it go I would be healed. 
I tried to read the letter just to make sure and when I opened it I could not even bring myself to read it.  It was done, it was over.  I got it all out and now I needed to let it go and put my shoulder to the wheel and move on and don't look back.
I went and closed my fast with a very teary eyed prayer full of gratitude but also a sincere plea to give me spiritual strength to do just that, let it go.  I physically felt it leave me.  With mascara running down my face I went to find Jarod in the back yard.  As soon as he saw me he dropped the rake and ran to me.  I could see the concern all over him.  I told him I was ok, actually I was so much better.  I told him there was something that he needed to read.  He came to the office and read it.  When he was done, I looked at him and told him that I wasn't sending the letter.  He said this is too much for me to take in, let me get back to you.  He takes a while to process things and I have learned to respect that.  He went back outside to rake leaves and process.  Later that afternoon, he asked if that was really what I wanted and I said yes.  Then he said what do we do now.  I told him move forward.  His parents had asked to skype so I told him if he wanted to that I would be ok but I needed to pray first. So that is what we did.  I felt comforted the entire time and the things that she did that usually drive me crazy rolled off me like water.  It was amazing. 
Later that night, we talked about it again.  I told him that writing the letter was part of the process for me but also the things that I need in the relationship with his parents were written in the letter.  Even though they are not aware of these things we are and I know we are on the same page.  I am not sure what the future holds for us and them but I do know that I have faith that Heavenly Father will be with me every step of the way and I am thankful for my Savior and the atonement that took away the pain and healed me. 
http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/11/the-balm-of-gilead